Shitty Poem Titles For Sale

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To the untrained eye, many poem titles might appear to be just a bunch of random jibberjabber jobbledy joo thought up at 3 am by some writer smearing Nutella in their hair, but in fact most poem titles are actually a bunch of random jibberjabber jobbledy jee thought up at 3 am by some writer smearing peanut butter in their hair because they can’t afford Nutella.

If you’re like me, you have a document where you keep all your precious wordscraps and every once in a while when nothing is firing in the old brainpan you return to the junk pile to fuck around trying to build Frankensteins.

If you’re even more like me, you have some pretty unusable titles in your misfit document.

So for today and today only I’m selling off some prime poem titles I’m pretty sure I’ll never use. I know it’s generous. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

Get ‘em while they’re hot (and terrible). You can paypal the money.

$1 – “POEM COMPOSED WHILE DREAMING OF ALL THE DEAD ESCALATORS IN THE WORLD”

75¢ – “LOST IN THE ZERO CAVE AGAIN WITH MY OLD FRENEMY THE HORNY SHADOW”

25¢ – ALL NIPPLES OF COURSE HAVE A LITTLE FUR”

10¢ – “DRINKING A HOLE THROUGH A QUESTION: A GENTLEMAN’S TREATISE”

5¢ – “BEFORE YOU COME NEAR ME WITH THAT GODDAMN HAND MIRROR YOU SHOULD KNOW I AM A MASTER POET AND I HAVE COME HERE FOR MIGHTY TRUTHS TO STAB ME IN THE FACE NOT TO FUCK AROUND WITH INFERIOR BEAUTY TIPS”

FREE! – “DANCING DICKLESS ALONG THE POWDERED CORRIDORS OF MORDOR”

What are some of your unusable titles?

Dear Prestigious Literary Journal,

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Someone told me once anything can be a poem so I’m submitting this single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto to you for your kind consideration.

Over 100 of my chips have appeared online and in print. I was recently awarded a Pushcart Prize for my Funyun. I currently attend the Iowa Writers’ Workshop where DORITO, my chip-in-progress, is underway.

This is a simultaneous submission to the strange hole in my backyard.

Thank you for your time, and please consider the delicious flavordust of my art.

Sincerely,
Matthew Burnside

Darth Vader’s Three-Hundredth Resignation Rejection to Date

Dear Mr. Vader,

I am writing to inform you that I will be resigning from my position as imperial officer on July 18 of the current star year.

You should know I am very grateful for my professional development these past two weeks. That I have been promoted seven times in such a short span is certainly a confidence builder. I am grateful for the opportunity to cause mass destruction throughout the universe.

Though I will hate to lose such generous corporate perks (no less than one wookie slave per year, a Timeshare on Hoth, and 10% employee discount at the Death Star gift shop—I shall always cherish my Die Rebel Scum coffee mug and What Happens in Mos Eisley Stays in Mos Eisley t-shirt), in the end I guess I felt the professional opportunity wasn’t worth being force-choked to death over or electrified by our freakypale CEO, as many of my professional peers have learned the hard way.

This is totally my own fault. You see, when an admiral told me my first day upon the slightest slip up we could be terminated, I did not realize he meant we could be terminated. Perhaps I am just unfamiliar with the Sith managerial style. At the previous company I worked for, for example, we would receive a stern talking-to, or maybe a slight dock in credits as reprimand.

In short, I would rather serve the empire elsewhere. Please consider my request for transfer to the forest moon of Endor, as I have always wanted to ride one of those sleek speeders while wearing the cool scout uniform.

Thank you for the opportunity, and may the force be with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu  uuuuuu uuuo oodqc,wdjkn.m c

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Party Games for Writers

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“Traditional, Traditional, Experimental”
Object of Game: Be the most experimental.
How to Play: Fiction writers all claiming to be more experimental than they really are sit in a circle. Played just like Duck, Duck, Goose, except all players are full of shit.

“Pin the MFA on the donkey”
Object of Game: Pin the MFA on the donkey.
How to Play: Successfully pin the MFA on the donkey. Watch as donkey goes into poverty.

“Saddest Poet”
Object of Game: Be the saddest poet.
How to Play: Saddest poet in the room wins. Always ends in a tie.

“Novel Race”
Object of Game: Finish your novel.
How to Play: Everyone start a novel. Count to 30 years. Try to finish before dying of day job/disillusionment.

“Spin the Bottle”
Object of Game: Deplete all the spinny bottles.
How to Play: While writing, spin a bottle. If it points in any direction, drink the bottle. Play until passed out/no more bottles.

“Make the Canon”
Object of Game: Make the literary canon.
How to Play: First player to become an old dead white man wins.

“Find your Readership”
Object of Game: Win the most readers.
How to Play: Divide room into two teams, literary writers and commercial writers. Go to a crowded place, such as a mall or carnival. For each person tagged, team is awarded one point/one reader. Team with most combined readers wins. Team Literary loses when they only touch each other.

“Editor’s Choice”
Object of Game: Rack up the most superfluous information.
How to Play: Each editor is given ten cover letters. Editor with most superfluous information wins. Double points for unnecessarily long summary/analysis of submission and complete list of fifty or more publications. Triple points for mention of cats.

“Spot the Sobe’!”
Object of Game: Spot the Sobe’!
How to Play: Go to AWP. Find the one sober writer just there for the panels.

“Finnegan’s Hopscotch”
Object of Game: Make it to the end of the hopscotch board.
How to Play: Played just like regular hopscotch, except all the tiles are unreadable and the board is one big circle.

Horoscopes for the Discerning Fatalist

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Taurus

               You will be trampled to death by a bull

Capricorn

               You will be trampled to death by a goat

Aries

               You will be trampled to death by a Dodge Ram

Libra

               You will be crushed to death by a giant scale

Pisces

               You will be eaten by dizzy fish

Aquarius

               You will drown in a bucket or be bludgeoned by a merman

Sagittarius

               You will be shot in the face by a centaur

Scorpio

               You will be Fatality’ed by that guy from Mortal Kombat

Virgo

               You will be murdered by a virgin with angel wings

Leo

               You will be murdered by Leonardo DiCaprio

Cancer

               You will be ravaged by crabs, or you will be ravaged by crabs

Gemini

               You will be murdered by Siamese twins at a rave

Bartleby’s Yearly Job Performance Evaluation

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“Hey there Bartleby.         Thanks for meeting with me today. I’m going to be blunt with you here, and do bear with me since I‘m still relatively new to the company:     I honestly don’t know how you got this fucking job.                 I tried to locate your resume and all I found in your file was this wadded up napkin that says ‘I prefer not to write a resume’ in Crayon, so I had my secretary make some phone calls and it says here that you were fired at your last twenty-two jobs for doing exactly zero dick and constantly telling your boss you’d prefer it that way.                  Now, I don’t know whether you’re versed in dark magic or you threaten these people in their beds at night with a butter knife to their throat or you’re just some kind of mad genius, but I don’t see a way for us to keep you on the payroll for being the laziest sonofabitch I’ve ever encountered in my forty years in this industry.         So, I’m going to go ahead and ask you to leave now and never come back, and because I know you’d prefer not to remove yourself, I’ve gone to the trouble of calling these two gentlemen up to tazer you in the face and physically remove you.                And while I suspect you probably want me to write you a recommendation for the next poor sucker you’re bound to trick into hiring you next, I’d prefer not to.             Thanks for understanding the needs of the company and have a good zap nap, you indolent dickhole.”