A PREVIEW OF NEXT YEAR’S HOTTEST SOCIAL MEDIA SITES, SERVICES, & APPS

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eFuckit
A dating service for people who would rather skip to the end. Users swipe right to match with a promising romantic partner they will never actually meet only to receive a customized breakup letter authored by a stranger the next morning.

Tw_
Users are allotted one syllable a day to share their universe-shattering philosophies regarding the radness of cookie butter from Trader Joe’s with fellow users & celebrities trying to sell them something. Additional syllables may be purchased for 50 cents each.

Fakebook
Needy egos compete daily in a digital Thunderdome, earning clicks by posting the most artful humblebrag, picture of the baby with the biggest head, most nonsensical meme, or best emo song lyric/most vague, veiled post of the day.

eMerica!
Patriotic cellphone app designed to send all your personal information directly to the CIA & FBI in one convenient shot.

BlinkyBoo
A social media app for acid droppers that lets users create & share less than 1-millisecond long looped videos barely discernable to the human eye.

Whotube
A repository for anonymous racists, misogynists & men’s rights advocates, Obama blamers, & automated robots selling designer sunglasses to go ass-wild in the comments sections of music videos that have nothing to do with their self-hate laden tirades.

Spoilergram
Social community for indecent assholes who can’t contain themselves to freely post spoilers of popular television shows without prefacing with ‘spoiler alert’.

Gregslist
Ad & job posting community reserved for only guys named Greg.

Catbook
Social community for cats to post adorable pictures of their owners dressed in tragically ill-fitting cat clothes.

Hamazon
A market for drone-delivered gourmet hams.

Forever eLone
Users wander a vast, barren virtual landscape as infinitely more flattering-looking avatars occasionally encountering another avatar & engaging in a limited conversation consisting of one of two phrase choices: “I’m lonely” or “Me too”.

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