It is there in plain sight for all to see: “All men are created equal”—nowhere does it mention the ones who shall go unnamed here. (Let us for simplicity’s sake call them They Who Shall Not Be Named But They All Have Vaginas and Of Late They’ve Been Creating Quite a Fuss.) I fear if we continue down this treacherous shore, the great ship of democracy shall be overturned by the brazen waves of femininity, sunk with the weight of its own unchecked sass! Therefore, I, haver of a penis and being a true patriot, have come up with a reasonable list of compromises, six elegant solutions to quash this silly movement and return this once great society to its former state of grace and masculine glory, the way God intended when He wrote the Declaration of Independence.
Herein I propose…
COMPROMISE 1: Weekend Respite
Weekends – that is, Friday, beginning 6:00 pm through Sunday ending at 12 am – They Who Shall Not Be Named would have full ownership of their bodies to do with them what they will. That’s fifty-four hours of generous respite, sufficient time to get out of their system and exorcise any ridiculous notions of autonomy over their own physiology. During this time, they would be permitted to resist all unwelcome sexual advances, go unshorn, dress in whatever provocative manner they deem fit, purge all lesbian perversions, and exercise their reproductive powers in any unseemly, godless fashion. Monday, all rights would revert back to men, naturally.
COMPROMISE 2: Gladiatorial Resolution
Any member of They Who Shall Not Be Named may opt to take part in an annual Thunderdome-esque tournament in which they would wear skimpy outfits and battle their fellow defiants brandishing petite, pink swords in an arena riddled with phallic monuments, in the end one grand victor being granted status as an honorary man, that is, full rights and a bronzed penis trophy to be worn at all times. Not only would this give the soft ones exercise, but it would be a healthy psychological outlet for their unfounded neurotic rage and serve as just plain old good spectacle for the ruling class.
COMPROMISE 3: Military “Service” & Foreign Debt Relief
Throughout the year They Who Shall Not Be Named would retain full rights to their bodies, except in the months of March, June, and November, during which time they would be sent overseas, on loan as property of the US government to serve as entertainment for the armed forces, or as repayment to those foreign countries to whom we owe a financial debt. Not only would this stimulate our economy and help offset the national deficit, it would also boost military morale and permit They Who Shall Not Be Named a free exotic vacation. A win-win, really.
COMPROMISE 4: Adopt-a-Vagina
This program would work just like the adopt-a-highway program, except in this case underprivileged men – lonely or socially awkward or decrepit with age – would be gifted volunteer vaginas to care for and train as their own. The attached bodies and brains would, of course, be included but negligible for all intents and purposes. Volunteers would be decided by a mandatory state lottery.
COMPROMISE 5: Werewolf House Arrest
They Who Shall Not Be Named would retain all rights to their bodies except in those times of menstruation, during which they would be treated as any common werewolf during a full moon: bound and shackled in a safe environment until their irrational state passes, until they no longer pose a threat to national security or the common public.
COMPROMISE 6: Spin-to-Win
An enterprising solution, the Spin-to-Win initiative would offer They Who Shall Not Be Named the opportunity to gamble for additional rights, receiving one spin in exchange for one year of passive and faithful servitude without whinging or whining. Possible pay-outs to include: Reproductive Rights! Equal Pay! Rape Immunity! and more.