Sometimes late at night, I read Netflix’s descriptions of movies and pretend they’re really weird, obscure, shitty fortune cookie fortunes…

“Train the body, the mind…there’s still no accounting for the heart of a killer. It’s gonna be a dirty fight.”

“To stand up against skinless giants who devour humans for pleasure, it takes a strong mind—and a lot of rage.”

“After a humiliating public beat-down, a hotheaded teen finds his fists and his feet. But mostly, he finds himself.”

“Double-crossed and left for dead, a master thief seeks justice. The kind that comes from the barrel of a gun.”

“With feds AND gangsters chasing you, the opportunity that arises might not be the one you’re chasing.”

“A barbaric sea captain on the path to hell seeks redemption in a monastery. But the devil must always have his due.”

“A Nazi-summoned demon-turned-U.S. patriot with a soft spot for kittens. Meet America’s greatest secret weapon.”

“After miraculously landing a crippled plane, a hard-drinking pilot is under suspicion. Can one good deed undo the rest?”

“The face of evil was supposed to have been eradicated in World War II. No one thought to check the moon.”

“This tough trucker wants a quick bite in the big city. He’ll get served a Chinese buffet of evil magic.”

“After studying murder for a book, paranoia is setting in. Of course, he’s only paranoid if no one’s after him.”

“Three 30-something doofuses find a way to not stink at sports. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”

“The Apocalypse is over. Now the Antichrist wants to marry your girlfriend. Things are about to get biblical…”

“A found-mouthed ad man refuses to die…until he leaves some choice man-tips behind for his unborn son.”

“The American West is a sight to behold. Especially if you’re on, like, a LOT of drugs. Buy the ticket, take the ride.”

“Nobody’s good enough for Dad’s little girl. Especially a guy who earns his keep writing songs about urine.”

“The best way to understand someone is to walk in his shoes. His feet are going to get pretty sore.”

“You may ask yourself: How did I get here? Hey, we’ve all been there.”

“In a time when people’s beliefs are changing, a rejected goddess leaves the community that no longer wants her.”

“In beautiful Rome, a man with lighting fists will do battle with a human tank. That tank’s name is Chuck Norris.”

And last but certainly not least…

“A cheeseburger. If you really think about it, there are worse reasons to have sex with somebody.”

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