(Alternately, this list could’ve been called the Ten Whitest Men in the History of Old Dead White Men)
President: Grover Cleveland
Years in Office: 1885–89
The Case Against Him: This person strikes me as someone who got into office on the coolness of their name only to spend the next four years building model ships-in-bottles and ordering steaks sent to the white house “medium raw” with a top hat full of brandy.
President: Rutherford B. Hayes
Years in Office: 1877–81
The Case Against Him: Rutherford sounds like a guy who has a large collection of dolls and spends his nights doing donuts in the oval office on a wooden Segway.
President: William Howard Taft
Years in Office: 1909–13
The Case Against Him: I just don’t trust this one. Taft is dangerously close to taffy and I once choked on a large gob of banana Laffy Taffy at the state fair.
President: Martin Van Buren
Years in Office: 1837–41
The Case Against Him: This guy just sounds like the ultimate dickhole. Plus, I saw a scary wax figure of him at Ripley’s Believe It or Not! once and it instantly inspired a heart attack in my butthole.