Horoscopes for the Discerning Fatalist

Brief_History_of_Wood-engraving_Holbein_Astrologer

Taurus

               You will be trampled to death by a bull

Capricorn

               You will be trampled to death by a goat

Aries

               You will be trampled to death by a Dodge Ram

Libra

               You will be crushed to death by a giant scale

Pisces

               You will be eaten by dizzy fish

Aquarius

               You will drown in a bucket or be bludgeoned by a merman

Sagittarius

               You will be shot in the face by a centaur

Scorpio

               You will be Fatality’ed by that guy from Mortal Kombat

Virgo

               You will be murdered by a virgin with angel wings

Leo

               You will be murdered by Leonardo DiCaprio

Cancer

               You will be ravaged by crabs, or you will be ravaged by crabs

Gemini

               You will be murdered by Siamese twins at a rave

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