Bartleby’s Yearly Job Performance Evaluation


“Hey there Bartleby.         Thanks for meeting with me today. I’m going to be blunt with you here, and do bear with me since I‘m still relatively new to the company:     I honestly don’t know how you got this fucking job.                 I tried to locate your resume and all I found in your file was this wadded up napkin that says ‘I prefer not to write a resume’ in Crayon, so I had my secretary make some phone calls and it says here that you were fired at your last twenty-two jobs for doing exactly zero dick and constantly telling your boss you’d prefer it that way.                  Now, I don’t know whether you’re versed in dark magic or you threaten these people in their beds at night with a butter knife to their throat or you’re just some kind of mad genius, but I don’t see a way for us to keep you on the payroll for being the laziest sonofabitch I’ve ever encountered in my forty years in this industry.         So, I’m going to go ahead and ask you to leave now and never come back, and because I know you’d prefer not to remove yourself, I’ve gone to the trouble of calling these two gentlemen up to tazer you in the face and physically remove you.                And while I suspect you probably want me to write you a recommendation for the next poor sucker you’re bound to trick into hiring you next, I’d prefer not to.             Thanks for understanding the needs of the company and have a good zap nap, you indolent dickhole.”


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